This Esse is loco

Taking care of an infant full time is like tending to a drunk mental patient. Babies are just plain weird and no one prepares you for it. There should be at least 20 minutes spent in labor class where they throw out possible behaviors of your future child. 

Like...

...she wants to nap with your hand suctioned on her face like that thing from Alien. 

...out of nowhere she will begin screeching. Joy? Anger? Who could tell. 

...she insists on touching the inside of your mouth and nose. 

...for five straight minutes she will sit staring while making a spit sucking sound like a teen with their first retainer. 

...she will make a vast array of sounds in a matter of minutes. Grunting. Growling. Squealing. Incoherent babbling and so on 

What a nutter. 

Just cancel it!

I deeply hate canceling a service. I wish there was a service that did it for you. But eventually I would have to call and cancel that too I guess. 

Please do us both a favor and don't read your script and ask me inane questions to get me to change my mind. If I was that easily swayed I would be in a cult by now. 

Let's call the whole thing off

Everytime I hear that Gershwin tune "Lets Call The Whole Thing Off"... which is a lot because my mother didn't allow me to listen to anything recorded after 1960. She was strict like that. Everytime it plays all I hear is "I say it normal, you say it like an asshole. I say it normal, you say it like an asshole. Normal. Asshole. Normal. Asshole. Please stop being a douche."

Nice Try

So I saw a sign today outside the office of a local agent of something or other. It read Louis "Lou" Campiano. I am sorry but maybe I set strict guidelines for nicknames and usage of quotations, but this isn't cutting it for me. Using a shortened version of your first name is a very loose interpretation of a nickname. Now if it said Louis "Jimmy Legs" Campiano or Louis "The Hand" Campiano then I would be all for it. I wouldn't hire him, but I would allow the quotations. Or better yet just put Lou Compiano. You obviously don't like being called Louis.