Modern Day Freak Show

Just the other day I found myself proclaiming loudly "What
the hell happened to TLC?" I waited a few minutes for a response
then sadly realized that once again I was alone and talking to
myself. But really, what has this station become? The answer: a
modern day freak show. They can dress it up all they want, but they
can't hide the fact that more than half of their programming calls
out to the lowest form of our human nature. First off, the midget
shows. And yes, I refuse to use the politically correct term
"little people", even though TLC trys to shove it down our throat.
They put this on because we all love to stare at midgets, but even
I have my limits. First a family of midgets, then midgets having a
baby. Now midgets who run a chocolate shop! Are they trying to set
me up for an Oompa Loompa joke? If that wasn't enough, there is
also several family reality shows. And by family, I mean a couple
with an unaturally large litter of children. First we had he
pleasure of John and Kate. After a season or two of emasculation
that relationship ended as well as the show. So now we have the
creepy uber-Christian family The Duggards and "Table for 12." I
just don't get these. Where are the midgets? Oh, and don't forget
the antithesis of these, "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant", which
chronicles white trash women who think they have indigestion for 9
months. In closing, I think TLC should be forced to change their
name. I have never felt like I have learned anything watching it,
except that there are people in the world who weigh more than a car
and that whales can explode. In fact I think I am now dumber for
even writing about it.

I tried...

So just came back from a nice relaxing vacation in Michigan and realized I had a new look on life when it comes to driving. I had turned a new leaf and was going to drive like a responsible citizen just like the Michiganders. That lasted approximately 3 days.

I have come to the realization that the reason everyone here drives like a complete moron or an aggressive asshole is that they become infected. From a few days of the traffic, being honked at, cut off, and witnessing acts from the bizarre to the down right terrifying you too become one of them. It makes me wonder, who is "Patient Zero" of this pandemic? Did it all start with a four way stop on a dirt road and an assertive Model-T driver?

And I believe the overall problem of rudeness in New Jersey stems solely from driving. This disease slowly trickles into our everyday lives and the next thing you know you have made a woman at the supermarket cry because that morning you were almost side swiped by some lady in a SUV. I think the only solution to our aggression is to do as the people of Michigan do...shoot at stuff in the woods. Ahhh, now don't you feel better?

Happy Turkey Day!

Nothing like stuffing the anal cavity of a carcass with various herbs, spices & veggies, then chowing down. So begins the day of over eating, drinking & the traditional airing of greivances. Hopefully I stick mostly to the over eating and not the drinking. Don't want it to end up like last year. I am still not allowed in my local Walgreens.

Enough with the quizzes!

Every time I log in to Facebook or even simply use the internet I am assaulted with a million offers to take some lame ass quiz. Today on an ad sidebar I saw THE quiz of the year. Paired along with the worst drawn cartoon I have ever seen were the flashing words, "Are you fat? Take this quiz."

Really? Are we all so stupid now that we can't figure out on our own if we are fat!?! Thanks internet but I already take this quiz daily when I look in the mirror, I don't need your help.

White Trash

I wonder if there are certain requirements to be considered white trash. Sometimes I feel like I need to be a part of a group, and I am running out of options. If I have to have a fullet and always have an article of clothing with a discernible stain, then I am not sure I would be that committed. But if all that is required is being pale and lazy...I am so in!

Tom Tom...Why do you want me dead?

I noticed a trend lately with Tom Tom GPS. It seems on any trip that goes more than 30-40 minutes away from my home the directions seem to always take an awful turn. It will choose to take the most dangerous path to get to any major highway. I usually notice it ahead of time when I am in my own state and quickly reroute, but traveling to unknown regions can become quite scary.

For example, this past month I went to a music festival in Liberty State Park. On one leg of the journey I was directed to the Garden State Parkway, which is completely normal. But instead of staying on the current road for 2-3 more exits it told me to get off in one of the most crime ridden areas in the state, drive through the heart of it and find an on ramp.

My only two theories for the reason it continually does this is it either wants to see me get car jacked or it is trying to help me find a good weed hook up. Maybe that should be within the Point of Interest menu...that would be helpful for a lot of people. The drug part, not getting shot in the head, that is never helpful because of the whole dying thing.

Things I ponder....

How do you know if your good at the bagpipes?
I mean they have to be the most heinous sounding instrument on the planet. I haven't met one person who owns a bagpipe CD or attends bagpipe concerts. The only time I have ever been plagued with their bellowing is around St. Patty's or at some life event that for some reason a bagpiper was hired. I would rather listen to a quartet of accordions then that horrible wheezing.

How many times have the authorities been notified to arrest a reenactor instead of the real suspect?
Come on, it has to happen. People are dumb.

Why do parents insist on stating their child's age in months well after it is necessary?
Just stop it. After your child passes the year mark your not allowed to use months. I will allow a year and two months, two years and five months, etc. If you insist. And clothes manufacturers, the same rule applies to you. I never understood that any way. What is the possibility that all children who are "18 months" are the same size? That is bullshit.

Our Downfall

On my drive home the other night, I noticed that there is increasing number of drivers on the road without their headlights turned on. This is especially noticeable on my route because a majority of my drive passes through areas without many streetlights. More and more I am seeing small signs of idiocy in people and it scares me..a lot. Now I know this is a very minor thing but I can't help myself when I notice these things. Other people's lack of sense causes my brain to malfunction. I run through different scenarios and try to get into their head. It is a real problem.

Personally, I believe the whole world is slowly turning into a legion of slow-witted. This concept was brilliantly portrayed in the movie Idiocracy. If you haven't seen it I suggest you check it out. It isn't the best movie I have ever seen but the basis is both hysterical and scarily believable. Basically, the main character ends up 500 years in the future to discover the degeneration of human society due to natural selection gone wrong. Mediocrity and commercialism are rampant due to the stupid over breeding and the educated have gone the way of the dodo.

If you don't think something like this could possibly happen then explain this item I found in Barnes and Noble recently.

If that isn't bad enough their is an actual class where you can go learn the "art" of dancing with cats. This is an actual quote from the site, "After all, dancing with our cats is something we really have to do alone and you can feel rather isolated at times. So its great to come to a class where you can meet others of the same persuasion, feel confirmed in your practice, and usually make new friends." Excuse me, but if you dance with your fucking cat maybe you should be alone. I don't want to see you out in society interacting with anyone out of fear that you may possibly pass your cat dancing genes on to future generations. If you need a laugh please check out the site, it is gold.
http://www.monpa.com/dwc/

I think our main problem is most people don't want to or don't take the time to think. A perfect example is the comic that was recently published in The New York Times that has pissed off a lot of people.

How in the hell did no one in the entire organization go, "Your going to publish this? Your shitting me right?" It is like there is no editing process to the comic section. If I drew that and showed it to my family and friends they would definitely wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Next time maybe they should get up from their drafting table and take a walk around with the sketch.

"Hey what do you think of my new idea for this week's edition?"

"Yeah..about that, Jim. Maybe you should come up with something else. I don't think America will get your comic of Hitler raping a puppy. It is a bit above them, they might not get the context."

Vista can suck my @$%&!

Well I, have finally given up on the pretty package of shite that Vista has proven to be. I am currently backing up my laptop and giving the old heave ho to this horrible operating system. At first it was all sunshine and candy, but I slowly began to realize that Vista was a needy bitch. The last straw was actually a normal occurrence of a program completely shutting down for no reason last night. But this time, I vowed to myself that I would not let Vista beat me down any longer. I would take a stand.

So now here I am, minutes away from expelling this OS from my life and going back to good old, slightly less glitchy XP. Oh, how this makes me miss my MAC! The power supply died last month and seeing as I barely have enough money to have a dinner out at Chili's, it will stay that way for now. I will have to carry on with sub-standard Windows and all the baggage that comes along with it. Maybe one day I will win the lotto or find a job that pays me more than a teenage babysitter. Then I will buy a Power Book and spin with it in a flowered field.

So goodbye Vista! No more eating up my battery power, driver issues, crashing software, and that annoying green bar in explorer. You were just like a super hot chick, pretty packaging with no substance and a giant "see you next Tuesday"!

Jitterbug: giving up on life

As I was watching TV last night one of the many commercials that annoys me popped up onto the screen.

The Jitterbug!


I think what really bothers me is the product itself. Why do the elderly have a need for this product? How hard it it really to use a cell phone? It is basically the same device they have been using all these years except now it is mobile and gives you brain cancer. I know a lot of phones today have tons of features but the base freebie model you get after signing up for any wireless contract is very simple to use. Also, the buttons maybe smaller than your average house phone, but not by much. If you can't read the numbers and text on the cellphone buttons maybe you shouldn't be out on your own, thus eliminating your need for a cell phone.

My favorite part of the commercial is when they discuss the great customer service. They shoot to an operator, after some much needed swing dancing shots, and he says something about adding a contact to a customer's phone for her. Are you serious? If I had to call Verizon Wireless to add a contact to my phone, I would hope the customer service agent would tell me to put my head in an oven.

I am always confused about why older generations seem to have trouble coping with new technology. Most of them seem to have even an irrational fear of anything new. I have seen a lot of new technology in my lifetime and I have just learned to use it and I can't imagine not wanting too. So I wonder if it is really the older generations that are the lazy ones. Pick up a manual, Nana, and get reading!!!