This Esse is loco

Taking care of an infant full time is like tending to a drunk mental patient. Babies are just plain weird and no one prepares you for it. There should be at least 20 minutes spent in labor class where they throw out possible behaviors of your future child. 

Like...

...she wants to nap with your hand suctioned on her face like that thing from Alien. 

...out of nowhere she will begin screeching. Joy? Anger? Who could tell. 

...she insists on touching the inside of your mouth and nose. 

...for five straight minutes she will sit staring while making a spit sucking sound like a teen with their first retainer. 

...she will make a vast array of sounds in a matter of minutes. Grunting. Growling. Squealing. Incoherent babbling and so on 

What a nutter. 

Just cancel it!

I deeply hate canceling a service. I wish there was a service that did it for you. But eventually I would have to call and cancel that too I guess. 

Please do us both a favor and don't read your script and ask me inane questions to get me to change my mind. If I was that easily swayed I would be in a cult by now. 

Let's call the whole thing off

Everytime I hear that Gershwin tune "Lets Call The Whole Thing Off"... which is a lot because my mother didn't allow me to listen to anything recorded after 1960. She was strict like that. Everytime it plays all I hear is "I say it normal, you say it like an asshole. I say it normal, you say it like an asshole. Normal. Asshole. Normal. Asshole. Please stop being a douche."

Nice Try

So I saw a sign today outside the office of a local agent of something or other. It read Louis "Lou" Campiano. I am sorry but maybe I set strict guidelines for nicknames and usage of quotations, but this isn't cutting it for me. Using a shortened version of your first name is a very loose interpretation of a nickname. Now if it said Louis "Jimmy Legs" Campiano or Louis "The Hand" Campiano then I would be all for it. I wouldn't hire him, but I would allow the quotations. Or better yet just put Lou Compiano. You obviously don't like being called Louis. 

Learning As I Go: Pregnancy Update 004

Almost at 31 weeks and the burst of energy that I received during the second trimester is slowly fading. Naps are now my best friend. I love them. I wish I was taking one right now instead of writing this post.

So, we found out a month ago that our little girl is currently breech. Frank breech to be exact. This means she is literally folded in half inside me with her feet all the way up by her head. I think that is pretty impressive. Sarah thinks "I am cooking a winner." The doctor is giving her one more month to turn. After that she is pretty convinced it won't happen due to her size. So at that point I will be scheduled for a C-Section, a procedure I got to witness in our last birthing class.

We viewed several videos during the course but this was the only one that we received a warning before it was played. Apparently some people can only handle watching a baby's head being pushed out of a vaginal opening. One of those people is Sarah. She watched some of the video through her fingers when her head wasn't down. I was committed to watch the whole thing with eyes wide open.

First off, let me say, they are not gentle when opening you up. I almost yelled out "Hey, hey...Take it easy!" to the doctors on screen. Is it really necessary to man handle someone's outer layers of skin and muscle tissue so violently? Than after forcefully grabbing the baby's head and ripping it out of the mother, they jam that little suction thing down its throat three to fifty times in a manner that is horrifying. That bothered me more than watching the incision.

What a welcome to the world. Hey there little one...excuse me while I jam a foreign object into your trachea repeatedly. All is full of looooooove....

Learning As I Go: Pregnancy Update 003

Tomorrow I am officially six months pregnant. Pretty crazy to think that there is only 16 weeks left until I am in charge of a new human. I can't believe they let anyone do this.

So a few things have happened since my last post. The wife & I found out we were having a girl during our second trimester screening on Week 19. The tech excitedly pointed out on the screen how she determined this and I just nodded and pretended I saw it too. I would love to go to a few ultrasound tech courses just to see how they can possibly teach someone to distinguish anything of consequence. It was amazing to watch her measure bones and organs that only she could see on the display. She would call each one out and announce the size. Unfortunately it is hard to get too excited when you feel like you might possibly pee yourself at any moment. It is pure torture having to go to these tests with a full bladder, than add the tech pushing and rolling the wand across your pelvis. Fun times.

Now that I am further along I feel much more distinguishable movements like kicks and even hiccups. Sarah felt the very first round of hiccups I experienced, but hasn't gotten a second shot of feeling any movement. I think the baby is messing with her mind, which I find pretty funny. Nothing like an adult getting angry at a fetus.

Learning As I Go: Pregnancy Update 002

Well, I am now 3 days away from week 18 and everything has been going fairly smoothly in the symptoms department. Which is making it very hard for me to bitch and rant, two of my greatest loves. Sure I still pee every hour, but I already brought that up in the first post. So that is old-hat.

One thing worth mentioning, though, is that I am starting to feel the beginnings of movement. It is very subtle most of the time, but surprising nonetheless. Once I shared this with Sarah she was on a mission to have it happen in her presence. We read online that the fetus may react to a flashlight, drinking cold water, or hearing certain music. I confirmed the music tip might be accurate due to the fact I felt a lot of rumbling when I was out and Dropkick Murphy's were being played loudly. Which I thought was pretty bad ass music to cause a fetus to rock out.

Since everything else seemed like fetal harassment, we decided to go the music route. After she played some music on her iPhone near my belly, I had to sadly inform her that the baby was being a jerk and I felt nothing. Which confirms it shares a large chunk of my genetic material. I am so proud.